


the he man woman haters™

by gaywardguide



Category: A Very Potter Musical Series - Team StarKid
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Group Chat Fic, Group chat, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Pining, Texting, group chat au, lots of swearing, the he man woman haters friendship is based on being total dicks to one another
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 08:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12907857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaywardguide/pseuds/gaywardguide
Summary: thedarklord666 added bellzabulb, luscious, and yikesly to the chat.thedarklord666 renamed the conversation"the he man woman haters™"yikesly:why?thedarklord666:that movies the shityikesly:fair point





	the he man woman haters™

**Author's Note:**

> tom "voldemort" riddle - thedarklord666  
> bellatrix lestrange - bellzabulb  
> lucius malfoy - luscious  
> corban yaxley: yikesly

**bellzabulb:** My lord

 **bellzabulb:** My lord

 **bellzabulb:** My lord

 **bellzabulb:** My lord

 **bellzabulb:** Hey

 **bellzabulb:** My lord

 **bellzabulb:** My lord

 **bellzabulb:** Voldemort

 **thedarklord666:** wat

 **luscious:** Hello Timmy

 **thedarklord666:** dont u fukcing dare malloy

 **luscious:** *fucking *Malfoy :)

 **thedarklord666** sent a file[ _llamavomiting.jpg_ ]

 **luscious:** That is fucking disgusting.

 **thedarklord666:** so r those 2 words beside each other

 **luscious:**  .......I did not think that message through

 **luscious:** also- *Don’t

 **thedarklord666:** blockt and reported

 **bellzabulb:**  ............Anyways

 **bellzabulb:** Guess who was staring at u in class today??

 **thedarklord666:** ms vector rite

 **thedarklord666:** figures

 **thedarklord666:** u know i could sense that wenchs sultry gaze on the back of my head as i was taking notes

 **thedarklord666:** im a bit disappointed tho thot she was more professional than that

 **yikesly:** you were taking notes lmao??

 **luscious:** I doubt it.

 **bellzabulb:** No Squirrel u dumbass!!!

 **thedarklord666:** whom

 **yikesly:** that’s what we call that cute guy in our english class you have a big gay crush on! :)

 **thedarklord666:** thanks yaxley

 **yikesly:** no problem!

 **thedarklord666:** also no he wasnt u fuckin liar

 **luscious:** Oooooooooooooh

 **bellzabulb:** Excuse me?

 **yikesly:** rip voldemort 1994-2017

 **bellzabulb** sent a file [ _looksgay2me.jpg_ ]

 **bellzabulb:** Whos the liar now? :)

 **thedarklord666:** huh.

 **thedarklord666:** i mean

 **thedarklord666:** nice photoshop yaxley

 **yikesly:** yeah no i didn't do that

 **bellzabulb:** Pardon me is that really what ur going to say to me rn u little bitch

 **thedarklord666:** ur right. im sorry.

 **thedarklord666:** what i meant to say is........

 **thedarklord666:** nice photoshop malloy

 **thedarklord666:** didnt know yaxley was tutorin u in “decieving my friends and betraying their trust” !!!

 **luscious:** Voldemort, please. If I wanted a photo doctored to prank you I would hire somebody else to do it.

 **yikesly:** what is happening

 **luscious:** Voldemort is taking a refreshing dip in The Bile!

 **luscious:** That… sounded better in my head.

 **luscious:** Like bisexual and Nile I meant. A play on words.

 **thedarklord666:** bitch i dont have a fuckin vomit fetish what the fuck

 **luscious:** Voldemort.

 **thedarklord666:** yo imagine swimmin in a pool of vomit what kinda disgustin ass shit malloy where do u get these things haha lmao

 **luscious:** Voldemort please.

 **bellzabulb:** Voldemort Im going to ignore ur attempts at changing the subject and ur general asshatery for the time being. That photo is real

 **thedarklord666:** hm. i understand what ur sayin but i have a counterpoint

 **bellzabulb:** Yes?

 **thedarklord666:** im not that lucky

 **bellzabulb:** Oh fuck off w ur angsty bs

 **bellzabub:** "my life sucks and my crush could never love me" Boo Hoo

 **luscious:** Uncanny

 **bellzabulb:** LOOK AT HIM. That gleam in his eye? that’s love bitch!!!!

 **thedarklord666:** i think the fucc not

 **thedarklord666:** also hey

 **thedarklord666:** whyd u take a pic of him

 **bellzabulb:** Bc I wanted to capture the moment! Also I knew u wouldnt believe me when I told u

 **thedarklord666:** bella what the fuck what if he s a w

 **bellzabulb:** Do u doubt me and my skills

 **thedarklord666:** no comment

 **thedarklord666:** that is still creepy af tho

 **bellzabulb:** Rlly? Bc I know for a fact youve done creepier things :)

 **yikesly:** o shit

 **thedarklord666:** name one

 **yikesly:** voldemort n o

 **bellzabulb:** Alrighty!

 **bellzabulb:** How about that time u sniffed his hair when he stood beside u? :)

 **thedarklord666:** ok

 **thedarklord666:** ya know what

 **thedarklord666:** i was fucking INHALING. and his hair just happened to be there

 **thedarklord666:** damn cant a bitch breathe

 **luscious:** You were doing a bit more than breathing there mate.

 **yikesly:** i remember that that was sooooo funny

 **thedarklord666:** thanks yaxley

 **thedarklord666:** anyways i didnt do that

 **thedarklord666:** but if i had...... do u think he wouldve noticed

 **luscious:** I mean..... yeah, probably.

 **bellzabulb:** Malloy ffs!!

 **luscious:** What?

 **bellzabulb:** No he didnt notice. Just like he didnt notice me taking the picture. Noah fence bc I know u love him but hes kinda oblivious

 **luscious:** True. He hasn’t figured out that you have a big, obvious, embarrassing crush on him. I’m not sure whether to be happy for you or just feel pity.

 **thedarklord666:** thanks yaxley

 **yikesly:** ??????

 **thedarklord666:** also ive never spoken to him before how tf would he know

 **bellzabulb:** U stare at him like all the time. When ppl answer questions in class you’ll only listen if he’s talking. U followed him around campus one time to try and figure out what he likes but turns out he’s just a geek who lives in the library

 **thedarklord666:** i have done none of those things and he is a geek and it’s so fucking hot what the shit

 **luscious:** Hot is not the word I would use, but you do you :3 Enjoy your scrawny, frail little dweeby boy!

 **thedarklord666:** listen lefttesticle malteser

 **thedarklord666:** what tf do u think those bookcases are for ;))))

 **yikesly:** lefttesticle...........

 **luscious:** Reading?

 **thedarklord666:** shagging babyyyyyyyyyy

 **luscious:** Not quite, but seeing as how you’ve never stepped foot in one I can understand your confusion.

 **yikesly:** shagging?? have you been watchin austin powers again

 **thedarklord666:** .............maybe

 **bellzabulb:** SPEAKING of never talking to him

 **yikesly:** oh no

 **bellzabulb:** Oh yes :)

 **bellzabulb:** Thats gotta change

 **bellzabulb:** Voldemort ily

 **bellzabulb:** Ur like my best friend and the only person I trust

 **luscious** : Hi I’m Lucius not sure if we've met

 **bellzabulb:** Also ur the only one who appreciates my tastes!!

 **yikesly:** aw i think satanic rituals are pretty interesting too bella :)

 **bellzabulb:** Thanks Yaxley :)

 **bellzabulb:** But it is absolutely pathetic watching you fawn over this wimpy little twink

 **thedarklord666:** wow thnx

 **bellzabulb:** Now. I have a plan

 **bellzabulb:** U are going to sit beside Squirrel in class

 **bellzabulb:** U are going to talk to him

 **bellzabulb:** U are going to befriend him

 **bellzabulb:**  U are going to invite him to the English class gc

 **bellzabulb:** And then u r going to go on a cute rollerskating date like i know u’ve always wanted 2 do or rail him against a bookcase or whatever tf ur gay asses wanna do

 **thedarklord666:** hold up theres an english class gc

 **bellzabulb:** Of course! U n a couple of classmates r in it :) It's v lowkey :)

 **thedarklord666:** ?????????????????

 **thedarklord666:** i dont get it r u sure i was added

 **thedarklord666:** wait

 **thedarklord666:** no.

 **thedarklord666:** NO

 **bellzabulb:** Yes

 **thedarklord666:** nononono no i fukcign h a t e this plan already

 **bellzabulb:** Explain

 **thedarklord666:** 1 i cannot fuckin sit beside him

 **luscious:** And why, pray-tell, is that

 **thedarklord666:** hes pretty enough lookin at him from across the room imagine how fuckin pretty he is up close id busta NUT

 **thedarklord666:** his scent would be IN my nostrils!!!

 **thedarklord666:** hed be like writing notes n shit w his long pretty fuckin fingers and probably biting his lip bc he probably does that and what if he looks at me

 **thedarklord666:** what if he runs his hands thru his thicc hair all sexily and a strand falls out n lands on my paper what do i do do i keep it do i give it back do i blow it onto the ground

 **luscious:** I’m sorry why the fuck would you keep his hair?

 **luscious:** Also “thicc” Dont

 **yikesly:** i’m sure you’d be fine voldemort! and if he looks at you that’s good! :)

 **luscious:** Hair

 **bellzabulb:** Yaxley’s rite ur super hot if he looks at u that means hes at least somewhat kinda interested ;)))

 **thedarklord666:** what if he doesnt

 **bellzabulb:** Maybe hes too intimidated by ur hotness ;)

 **thedarklord666:** fine

 **thedarklord666:** ok 2

 **luscious:** I’m sorry are we just ignoring the fact that that is a genuine concern of yours and that you see nothing wrong with keeping a strand of his hair????

 **thedarklord666:** i cant talk to him what do i say

 **bellzabulb:** Idk he likes books right ask him what hes reading

 **thedarklord666:** but what if hes weirded out that i know he likes reading he cant know that i watch him every day

 **luscious:** I am the only sane one in this chat.

 **bellzabulb:** He brings a satchel full of books to like every class and plops it on his desk for everyone 2 see its p obvious

 **thedarklord666:** k

 **thedarklord666:** how do i “befriend” him thats vague af

 **bellzabulb:** R u serious

 **bellzabulb:** Jfc how’d u make friends w us u dumbass

 **darklord666:** i pushed u and challenged malloy to a danceoff and borrowed yaxleys crayons and never gave them back

 **luscious:** I most certainly should have won that, by the way

 **yikesly:** wait you never gave them back?? :(

 **thedarklord666:** sorry

 **thedarklord666:** (that was @ yaxley not u malloy)

 **bellzabulb:** Ok good point

 **bellzabulb:** Dont do any of that to Squirrel

 **bellzabulb:** Just keep talking 2 him. Ask him how his day was

 **bellzabulb:** OOOOOOOOOOOH

 **bellzabulb:** Ask him for help w the work like in Mean Girls but dont puke on him later

 **luscious:** You do need it anyways

 **thedarklord666:** but what if he thinks im like. dumb

 **thedarklord666:** malloy i can see u typin shut the fuck up before i bust into ur room and beat ur raggedy ass ratty ass blonde ass head in boi

 **luscious:**  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **thedarklord666:** also. i am NOT fuckin adding him here

 **yikesly:** why?

 **thedarklord666:** a. i dont trust yall not to be fucking weird

 **luscious:** Voldemort, honestly. It’s not like we’re going to send him screenshots of that thirty-minute long gay breakdown you had after seeing him in class on the first day. :)

 **yikesly:** yeah we wouldnt do that!

 **thedarklord666:** malloy ur ex fucked a gremlin

 **luscious:** ‘Gay breakdown’ whom? Screenshots when? I don’t know her ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **thedarklord666:** im serious we r fucking jerks to each other i dont want him thinking im an ass

 **yikesly:** well

 **thedarklord666:** yaxley not u too

 **bellzabulb:** Yaxley’s rite. U r an ass Voldemort but that’s why we love u! Im sure Squirrel will too ;))))

 **thedarklord666:** uuuuugggggghhhhhhh

 **bellzabulb:** So u give up? :D

 **thedarklord666:** this is a horrible plan

 **luscious:** Yep, he’s giving up

 **thedarklord666:** fuck off

 **thedarklord666:** but

 **thedarklord666:** maybe like

 **thedarklord666:** i can sit beside him

 **bellzabulb:** Yay!

 **thedarklord666:** next week

 **bellzabulb:** NO

 **yikesly:** i mean it’s….. something

 **bellzabulb:** Fine

 **thedarklord666:** but im not lookin at his stupid face

 **bellzabulb:** Good luck with that

 **luscious:** Ah, young love.

**Author's Note:**

> me: has four unfinished quirrellmort fics already  
> also me: gRoUpChAt Au!!!!!!
> 
> also this is the pic voldemort sent lucius lmao if yall wanna see (u probably dont) https://media.apnarm.net.au/media/images/2017/06/12/twb120617zoo-feutriv2y5yr8dxbeo2_t460.JPG


End file.
